Does worrying... make sense? For some people they have 'always been a worrier', or were 'always a nervous child'. It might be that worrying seems to make us feel better, more prepared, or less anxious later on. Or, for some of us, we like to worry; it makes us feel good, caring, and kind. What we believe about worry can be the very fuel that keeps it going.
"Ultimately, worrying involves making (often negative) predictions about the future."
When we struggle with feeling anxious, or find ourselves nervous more than we'd like, it can be helpful to reflect on what is going on for us. There is no single factor that determines worry, but our beliefs about worrying shouldn't be ignored. Some situations definitely merit worry or anxiety, as they are normal responses, but others less so. So why do we worry and stay nervous anyway? For all of us, it is worth reflecting on what believe about worrying.
Ultimately, worrying involves making (often negative) predictions about the future. Though you may have your own unique beliefs about worry, here are five common ones that many of us may have (without even realising)! Not only that, but there are also some brief tips on what to do if you aren't convinced they are helpful after all...
Worrying Finds Solutions
Is this you? A problem comes up, and in order to ensure you think about it, focus on it, and solve it, you begin to worry about it. Surely thinking about every eventuality and preparing for every possible bad outcome will help to solve it?
Lots of us do this because it feels very natural. Problem comes up, worrying makes us think about it, and we might come up with an outcome. However, worrying does not equal rational or productive thinking. By worrying, good ideas may be tossed aside as there is a 1% chance it could go very wrong or not be the perfect solution! Alternatively, by really focusing on the problem we can't always step back calmly and take a more balanced view of things.
In many cases, this is easy to believe as it seems to work. We worry and we do solve problems. But we could also eat a specific food, sniff a candle, or flip a coin three times before every decision and still solve problems; we don't know until we test something else out. If you find yourself worrying to solve problems, maybe allow just five minutes of worry and then try to solve it by thinking about positive outcomes too. You never know what solutions you might find with a new method and perspective!
Worrying is Motivating
Most people who have worked on a long-assignment or arduous task at work will recall linking worry with motivation. Spending hours (or days) talking about how worried and stressed we feel about doing some tasks or having difficult conversations can feel strangely motivating. Surely if we are worried then we really care, want to do a good job, and feel much better and rewarded when it is finally done?
Sadly (but thankfully), that might not be the case. Consider this. You have a big presentation coming up, a long essay, or a difficult conversation with a friend. You feel stressed, anxious, and apprehensive. Choice one involves worrying about it lots for an hour every day, imagining every possible outcome, and talking through how worried you feel with others. Choice two is anything else, like preparing for it by making notes, talking through a chosen plan with a friend, or doing the first five minutes of what you need to do (even if you don't feel like it yet).
Which choice do you think is going to be more helpful to us? Although it can be counter-intuitive as worrying feels normal (especially if we've done it for a long time), we can try this out and learn something new. It may be that some big decisions, like changing job or making a relationship choice, does merit a bit more worry. For other choices though, like whether to go for coffee, try something new, or get started on a task (that you have to do either way!), feeling worried and down may ultimately lead to procrastination and demotivation, rather than an energetic and motivated state.
Worrying Prevents Negative Emotions
Emotions can sometimes be treated as a sort of currency, and without realising it we may try to make advance payments... using worry. Here's how it works. We are meeting later to make a big sale, but it is not guaranteed that the customers will go for it. We worry lots about it going wrong, getting rejected, or about how we will feel if we are rejected; that way we won't be as disappointed later on. Or instead, we worry about someone close getting ill or hurt on a day out, as that way if it happens it will be less a shock and we will be less upset.
Like with all of these beliefs, we have to consider this a little more closely. Common-sense might tell us that worrying about things can prevent later negative emotions, like an emotional advance-payment; worry now, suffer less later. Does it work though? Let's imagine you don't make that big sale... are you happy because you worried earlier? Or how about a friend does get injured or ill after you spent days worrying about it... would you be any less upset?
Thinking about how we can cope with a negative outcome might make sense for a few minutes, like planning to take a shorter holiday if a sale falls through or having an emergency contact ready for if someone does get hurt. For longer worry sessions though, often going through every eventuality and 'what if' question in our heads doesn't actually save us from upset later down the line. It may be that we are better off problem-solving and dealing with whatever is going on now, feeling those negative emotions if something does go wrong, but otherwise limiting the worry that otherwise brings up short-term pain with long-term pain too!
Worrying Prevents Negative Situations
When worrying becomes so natural and normal, sometimes it feels that it is doing a lot of work for us. Imagine someone who has worried about their child getting hurt every day, yet their child has never been hurt. It is not unreasonably to think "worrying has stopped my kid from getting hurt, I better keep it up!". Sometimes called 'magical thinking', it can feel that the way we think about things magically influences the world around us.
"Testing things out is often key, and so doing things that are normally worry-inducing without worrying is a big first step, even if they are small tasks."
If you only worry a little, this may not be a big deal; you can spare 5-10 minutes to worry about a few things each day. But what if it doesn't stop there? Worrying about things to prevent negative outcomes might even fuel them! If we think worrying helps us, we might worry the whole night before a big presentation, or before a date. How you think that lack of sleep could affect the presentation or date? Or maybe writing an essay, we worry about it for months beforehand, and end up having no time to plan or read for it because we worried about it and hoped that would help us pass.
This can often be a subtle belief many of us hold, and if it is getting in the way of things, it can be shifted like any other belief. Testing things out is often key, and so doing things that are normally worry-inducing without time to worry is a big first step, even if they are small tasks. It is also worth considering things we haven't worried about that have worked out well too, as there might be a wealth of evidence that we didn't need to worry after all.
Worrying Means You Care
Finally, many of us worry for no other reason than it feels like part of who we are. We worry because we care, we consider others, and we want the best for others. People can thanks us for worrying about them, and worrying about our loved ones often does come alongside caring for them. But is it possible to care without worry?
Like many of the other beliefs, it isn't inherently bad to worry about others whilst caring for them, and can make sense if someone is very young, ill, or in need of support. When it goes past this however, we can get a little stuck. Friends staying out late, children growing up, or colleagues going for an interview might not benefit from us getting stressed and worried as well, and often we may suffer through anxiety with little upside. Rather than our caring coming across as calming, supportive, and confidence, the way we care for others may become infected with a chronic sense of anxiety or fear of the unknown.
If you do find that you worry to show you care, try to bring to mind others who are caring in your life. Does everyone caring worry the same amount, if at all? Is it possible to be loving and caring without predicting negative outcomes all the time or trying to control every aspect of a situation? When I am finding myself worrying as part of caring, I find it most useful to look around at my loved ones, remind myself that they can care without worrying, and reassure myself that I can do it too. We don't have to eradicate our worries but we can care without so much anxiety.
"Well... Now I'm Worried about My Worry Beliefs!"
Well... that is okay, although you don't need to be! Chances are if you've made it through life so far, you don't need to suddenly change everything now. What you can do though is think about tweaking things if you do think you'd be better off worrying less.
Regardless of which worry belief you identify with most, the best thing you can do to challenge the belief is do a little 'acting opposite' and experiment. If you think you have to worry to show you care, try to limit worrying to a few minutes a day for a week, and see if loved ones notice any difference in how living you are at the end of the week. If you worry more to control situation and prevent negative outcomes or emotions, think about times that things have been okay without worry, and see if you can do something new this week without giving yourself time to mull it over for hours beforehand.
At the end of the day, worry is not a bad thing. Worry is a natural response to uncertainty, and can help us all. That being said, too much worry can be painful or exhausting for many of us, especially when it permeates most hours of our day, and that is when we have to tell ourselves enough is enough. Everything in moderation.
Addressing worry beliefs will not erase all traces of worrying and anxiety (thank goodness!), but it can be a good first step to understanding why we worry so much, and what we could start to do about it.
Lots of love from JanTalksPsych
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