You have an idea, and you want to commit to it. Maybe it is to run more, start a business, or learn a new skill. But for some reason, not only do you not start on that idea, but you don't dare tell anybody about the idea. Why not?
When I'm talking about a new idea with someone, I can physically feel the anxiety and discomfort before the conversation. My heart seems to think I'm on a run, my fingers start tapping as if they're dancing, and my mind starts dreaming up ways of not talking about my idea. I don't want to put myself out there, and this resistance always comes from the same place for the same reasons...
By telling somebody else about my ideas, I leave myself vulnerable. If I have 1000 ideas a day, but tell nobody, then I can't be questioned on them or held accountable. But if I have just one idea to run, work, or learn a little more than usual and tell somebody, the idea is out in the open. As I think about telling my friends about this blog (an ironic example as you have clearly already heard of it to be reading this), I can hear their voices now...
'Is it actually any good?'
'Why don't you write more often?'
'Oh I can't wait to read it, I'm sure it will be AMAZING'.
Well damn. Now I really want it to be good, to write regularly, and to make it into something actually worth reading. However, as much as I think 'well damn' and feel anxious, those small 'negative' thoughts probably aren't so bad after all.
Despite telling people about our new commitments bringing on some social pressure, that pressure isn't necessarily awful. Pain in the gym leads to being stronger and fitter, boredom reading a textbook results in knowledge, and social pressure on a new commitment can drive us to take the action that we dream of following through with.
Also, research backs this up, which is pretty nice too, as making goals public is linked to greater commitment (Layton, 2014), and telling somebody we admire or see as 'high status' helps us to commit and achieve our goals (Howard et al., 2020).
In my own life, the achievements are as real as the anxiety. Once I had publicly committed to moving to Holland, I put everything I had into it. And after telling my very mindful colleague that I want to meditate every day, I have the will to meditate more than ever. Many of my friends have complained that they told me about their workout plans for the day, but then go on to thank me later as they would never have gone for a run if they hadn't mentioned it to me and felt that social pressure to follow through.
Whenever I'm struggling to commit to something now, and especially when I think it is for my own good, I force myself to tell people. The anxiety is there, and the pressure builds, but it is that anxiety and pressure that drives me on. Whether I start my running habit thanks to social pressure, or meditating partially to uphold my sense of honesty, the habit is kickstarted nonetheless.
With time my need for social pressure has dropped, but it was a powerful way to start. Much like jumpstarting a car, you often only need social pressure to get started with a habit or commitment.
Investing in ourselves is difficult, especially when long term gains only come with short term efforts, but we can use the people around to help us. They don't need to suffer through the short term efforts with us! All they need to do is listen, make us feel heard, and check in later to make sure we've followed through.
Good luck! Lots of love from JanTalksPsych!
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